Save The Last Dance for Me.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 19:30: But many who are first will e last, and many who re last will be first.  This scripture always brings an ache to my heart.  Such a little teaching, but for those of us who have always been last (while being accused of wanting to be first) it touches a cord deep inside.

My siblings always accused me of wanting to be "center stage". While it is true a big part of my personality is gregarious, joyful and playful, that is my personality.  The gift from God to get me over lumps and bumps.  It is not my character.  Let me try to explain.

I am a diagnosed anorexic person, Why?  My explanation to my doctors was this:  The smaller I get, the less space I will take, which means I have less chance offending others. I would be safer. I could hide in broad daylight, among people, and glide in and around their spaces.  This thought process is all part of my anxiety disorder, which has haunted me my entire life.  Always ready for the next blow.  Knowing it was coming, just not from where, or when.

Rejection. Defined as a "spurning of an idea, a person, or a person's affections. This is the thing that scoops out holes in your heart so the devil can toss in his garbage: fear, hate, envy, jealousy, greed, lust, division... all those ugly things.  When the Lord goes to work on healing this infection, it is painful, like touching a burn.  Sometimes He rips it out, as with mildew; other times He gently peels it away. However, the stench of the dross is heart wrenching. So why does Matthew 19 bring an ache?  Because the devil knows scripture, and will misuse it for his pleasure.  It is the vulnerable spot within us  The decaying of the heart  And that is where rejection, and its poison takes hold.

I am a competitive over-achiever. It is my character to fight to the death. Why?  How can this be when the Lord has blessed me with love and joy in Him from the moment it I was born? It is a taught reaction, a learned thing.  Don't confuse laughter and joy with wanting to be first, or desiring center stage. This is apples and oranges; you can't compare them.  For the first is personality (gift from God) and the last is character (taught by the world)..

My son, Jason Rowe likes to reference the story of the elephant chained to the post, and walking in circles, day after day.  Along the way the post and chain are removed, but the elephant keeps walking in circles. It has become a learned reaction.  So it is with rejection.

Folks like to tell us rejected ones that we are paranoid, or imagining things; that it is just a need for us to be center of attention.  And here we have the classic example of the abuser vis a vis the abused:  First the abuser clubs them, then tells them it is their fault, because they made the abuser club them.  It's a tale of abuse as old as time.

There is another kind of abuse - very subtle. The case of the "invisible person". I have experienced this, do you know what I mean? When someone looks through you, or past  you, or around you, but never at you. It is like the wind that fans the fire of rejection. This occur in many churches, where the poor are invisible. They are not equally treated as those with money. But it is not just churches where this is true. It is true in work places, in schools, in sports, and social settings. It is even true in some families. I have learned not just poverty creates this, but the things of the world, predominately gossip. Gossip is usually fueled by jealousy or envy.  Whether the gossip is true or false, it is a slow death to a body of believers, and I have been a victim many times of gossip. Much has come from my family. And sadly, from different church families. I am but a frail human, and gossip is more than fiery darts, it is the tongue's ammunition. Since what comes from a hateful tongue is what is in the heart. It is a destroyer of not just the recipient, but of the giver.  I pains me to even put these words to paper.

I must must seem like a confused contradiction, but we are, all of us complex creations. And we must function in two realms:  Spiritual and physical. I love the Lord, and my desire is to serve Him every day of my life. But, my flesh - this worldly body in which I dwell, is scarred, and scared.  What a balancing act! To be or not to be, it's like walking on quicksand. And then I see His footprints next to mine, and feel Him lift the yoke from my shoulders. And I am restored in that moment. I cling to Him.

Mark 14:38

Watch and pray so that you will not fall

into temptation, for the spirit is willing, but

the flesh is weak.

Jesus calls us by name. He looks at us and into us. We know His name, and His voice. We know the very essence of Him. He has no partiality. He loves us all the same, in fact He reveals us so in His curing of the leper, the man filled with pigs, the sinning woman. The washing of His disciples' feet. He did not consider Himself above others. I keep trying; I keep running the race. Every time I feel rejected and invisible I must ask myself if it is real, or have I just  assumed it out of habit?  Anxiety sets in. Only Jesus can calm me, so that when I look to Him, I remember to love. I remember to forget my past and see more clearly. He is my hiding place.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do 

not have love, I am only  resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy and cam fathom all mysteries and

all knowledge, ad if I have a faith that can move mountains, but

do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions

to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but

do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 17:17). So I can use rejection to sharpen me. I can choose to let it rule me, suffocate me destroy me and haunt me. Or I can let it sharpen, hone, define and refine me, so I can turn it to good for The Kingdom. I don't want to be invisible. I want the light, the fire within me to shine for Jesus. I do not want to hold who I am or my light under a bush. Oh, no! I want to let it shine. It is the cry of my heart.

I will keep on dancing His dance, and hope He will save the last dance for me.

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and

know my anxious thoughts. And see if there be amy

hurtful way in me. And lead me in the everlasting way.