Daddy Will You Dance with Me?

What caused one of the deepest aches in my heart  was the longing for a father.  I needed a "daddy" in my life, but that wasn't to be. This deferred hope deeply effected my decision making throughout my life.  I wrote a poem several years ago, out of my sorrow.

Daddy Will You Dance?

Daddy will you dance, will you dance?

Daddy, will you dance with me?

Stand me on your toes and twirl me 'round,

so that the whole world can see?

Daddy will you dance, will you dance?

Daddy , can we dance today?

You could swing me high up over your head,

'til you take my breath away.

Daddy, will you dance, will you dance?

Daddy, will you dance with me?

You'll make me giggle in endless joy,

'Cause my daddy wants to dance with me.

I wrote it as a Father's day gift for my father, Clarence Dunken. It was my hope I could break the cold, implacable barrier and establish a relationship with him. He looked at it, and set it aside, with a shrug of his shoulders.  This was the same man who told my mother, Hazel Dunken he was sorry they had ever adopted me. Yes, I heard him say it.  He went on to tell her he couldn't stand me, and wished they could get rid of me.  I was 13 years old.  

When I was 13, I had a nervous breakdown and tried to kill myself.  

Breathe. Just breathe.

I seem to need a jump start here as I try to write. Right now, I would prefer not to do this. We have a saying i our home, which we banter around:  I would like to procrastinate, but I think I'll put it off until tomorrow.  My fingers are poised over the keyboard, as though they are frozen in time. This chapter is about the lead character in my story - and that would be me. The task of writing about myself has stopped me in my tracks, and I am waiting on the Lord to help me untangle this being that is me.  Selah.

This is how the Lord is leading me, with the scripture gifted to me, from Him, through the healing prayer of Dave Robison.  It was given to me the night I was freed from the demon Dakar, and given the gift of angelic language, along with this scripture.  Whether or not you, dear reader believe in these things is not for me to ascertain, I can only tell it how it happened to me.  I saw Dakar, I saw Jesus come for me, telling me to hush, and not be afraid because He had heard me and was here. I saw Dakar pacing between the Lord and me, furious and snarling that he would have me.  But Jesus, never taking His eyes from mine simply replied, "No, she is Mine."

PSALM 16

Keep me safe, O' God, for I have come to You

for refuge.  I said to the Lord, "You are my Master!

Every good thing I have comes from you."

The godly people in the land are my true heroes!

I take pleasure in them!

Troubles multiply for those who chase after other gods.

I will not take part in their sacrifices of blood or even 

speak the names of their gods.

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.

You guard all that is mine.

The land You have given me is  pleasant land.

What a wonderful inheritance!

I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my

heart instructs me.

I know the Lord is always with me.

I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.

My body rests in safety. For You will not leave my soul

among the dead, or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.

You will show me the way of life, granting me the

joy of your presence and the pleasure of living with

You, forever.

These gifts were given to me at a Sunday evening church service in October 1977. 

* Angelic language, 

* Psalm 16., 

* Psalm 16:7 (underlined) which was a promise of no

more insomnia because of fear. 

There were many people at the meeting, including a young man, Rudy Ebert.  Rudy and I would become spiritual brother and sister, and to this day our bond remains. He can testify to the events which occurred that night.  

Pause for prayer

I am breathing You in, Lord

I spent my life looking for approval and love. Thinned skinned, I needed tons of reassurance. I took on the negative from others, and blamed myself. I wonder if that is my nature, or is it a learned reaction?  I don't truly know the answer.  What I have learned is to give it to God, and let Him lead me. 

God calls me many names::  Mine, His Own, His Daughter, His Beloved, Prayer Warrior, His Princess, His Love, His Lamb. And He has a new named written down in my book of life.

He called me from the moment He created me.  I learned in 1983 that as a little girl, even while I was with my birth mother, whenever I saw a church I wanted to go in.  And I would dance and try to sing and raise my hands to God, at the altar.   I was filled with the Holy Spirit!  I would forget this close bond with Jesus, over the years and the darkness.  I understand, now how important this infilling was, because I would not have survived the battle against the curse, otherwise.  Did I recognize the Holy Spirit stilled dwelled within me? No.  But that didn't mean he was absent; nor was Jesus absent. 

Early on, God sent me an angel, Timothy.  I talked to him all the time, and felt safe in his presence.  I just looked up the definition of the name Timothy (amazingly, I never have before!) and it means: Honoring God   How beautiful is that?  He told me his name when he first appeared to me beneath a tree. He told me he was there to be my friend. Oh, how needed a friend. Timothy has been around in my life, noticeably at times of danger. I have known he has been there, and one night in Oregon, he manifested himself to both me, and my daughter.  This is written and credited in the book Rustle of Angels. Ruth Bell Graham also wrote about this in a magazine article about true angelic encounters.

Timothy and I talked about wonderful things - about dreams, about Jesus.  He could always make me giggle.  We never sat or stood close to each other, yet I felt his banner of love around me.  This continued, until Aunt Dora yelled at me through an open window to stop talking in that "heathen" language or she would have me put in a mental institution and throw away the key!  I knew, then at that young age that others couldn't see Timothy. I was afraid, then. Sadly, I looked at Timothy and silently said "Good-by".

As you can see, God set me up to be protected, and shed as much love as He could on me. He blessed me with love in my heart for all His creations. This love has tempered my thoughts and actions.  I, eventually learned that life is still about choices, and we are accountable for the choices we make. I was blessed with the infilling of the Holy Spirit as an infant, but I chose, due to circumstances and people to ignore him.  Oh, I believed. I never stopped. To me, the Bible had become a beautiful fairy tale, since God had made a mistake with me. It was out of my reach. I believed this lie until I was 35, feeling like a I  kid outside a candy store, with the my nose pressed to the window.  Tortured and longing, but never being allowed inside.  I resented it. I longed to be acceptable.

I turned my back and walked away.  I was sorely afraid of the future. All the "what if's" would haunt me. Yet, when the dust settled, I was left with one sure thing.  Choices.  No matter the circumstances, or the people around us, the choice is ours. God allows us choices. I will be sharing my choices in this story.

But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for
yourselves this day whom you will serve.  JOSHUA 24:15

The important thing to remember is when we make choices there are always consequences. My choices led to harsh consequences, in that I chose an unholy path for many years. Angry with God. Angry with my fathers. Angry with my mothers,.  Even though I attended church throughout my life, it was mechanical. Loving the Lord, cherishing the baby Jesus, I was so sad within my heart.  I was doomed.  I wanted to know my eternal outcome, and the occult loomed temptingly before me.

You shall not tempt the Lord, your God.  Your shall have no other gods before your Lord God. The Lord God shall be first in your life.

Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be Your name. You Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors. Lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from evil. For Yours is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory forever!

If my people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves and pray...

Choices.

MATTHEW 12:44-45.When an impure spirit comes out of a person,
it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it
says,‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house
unoccupied swept clean and put in order.Then it goes and takes wit
 it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and
live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.
That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”